Dear Santa

Christmas is only 16 days away, so I hope Santa has the internet. Otherwise, I don’t know if the post office can get a letter to him in time. Plus, I don’t know how to write, so he wouldn’t understand it anyway. Here goes…

Dear Santa,

Here are some things on my wish list – there’s a lot on here because I have been really good. For instance, I have been eating my veggies, not tickling my brother to the point that he cries, and I have been letting Mommy brush my hair.

Things that I want need:

An Annabelle doll house (made by Kidkraft, available at Walmart and Target in case you run out)

Every bit of Disney Frozen paraphernalia known to mankind. I saw the movie last week and it’s all I can think about.

A Barbie dreamhouse. Plus Barbie, Skipper, Summer, Theresa, Nicky, Chelsea, Stacy, Midge, Ken, Racquelle, and all of Barbie’s pets (Taffy, Blissa, and that other one). And a pink convertible.

Roller skates

Roller blades

An Escalade or pink car that I can drive and Jude can ride shotgun in

An iPad

A leap frog leap pad 2 power (Doc McStuffins or Barbie edition)

I think that’s it…

Santa, would you also get my brother a banana and some more pacifiers? He loses them a lot and I don’t like hearing him cry.

My mommy needs new pants and shirts because her tummy is getting really big and her clothes look too small.

Mommy and Daddy were laughing about some new underwear they heard about on the news. Santa, will you bring Daddy the dogs some of these underwear? I already told him them you would, so it won’t be much of a surprise but that’s ok, old people dogs don’t like surprises that much.

Thanks, can’t wait to see what’s under the tree on Christmas morning!

I have a little dreidel I made it out of clay

Is that how you spell dreidel? One of my friend at school celebrates Hanukkah because she is Jewish. I have no idea what any of that means. All I know is that my Jewish friends and I play together, we speak the same language and go to the same school. So why do they get eight presents from last Thursday to this Thursday? And why do they get to eat delicious potato pancakes? I love potatoes AND pancakes, but I don’t get to have those on Christmas. And what do they do on Christmas when I am opening up a BARBIE DREAM HOUSE FROM SANTA (hint hint)?

I told Mommy that I want to be Jewish like my friend, who is bringing in all her awesome presents for show and share. I didn’t get anything awesome over Thanksgiving break, except for some socks and stickers. And a bad tummy ache.

Mommy she told me that being Jewish or being Christian or being Buddhist or Muslim means a lot more than just presents and holidays and who decorates their house in December. Then I asked her what Buddhist and Muslim means. Oy.

So, I am cool with being me and getting presents on Christmas. I guess I will just spend the rest of my life looking longingly at the many awesome toys my Jewish friends get every Hanukkah.

When I grow up

I can’t wait to be a grown up. You know why? Because when I’m a grown up, I’ll be able to:

1) Chew gum
2) Snap my fingers
3) Go to bed whenever I want
4) Drink wine

Sibling swap

Mommy and Daddy are having a new baby in the spring. I kept telling people I am going to have a new sister, but Mommy told me that it could be a brother and we won’t know for several more weeks. I don’t understand how they don’t already have this information, and why they can’t choose whether it will be a girl or boy.

Mommy: Now Elle, you might be having a brother.
Me: No- sister.
Mommy: But it could be a brother.
Me: But I have a brother. I want a sister.
Mommy: What if it is a boy?
Me: Then we can give away Jude (my brother)

Apparently Mommy thought this was funny. I don’t think it’s so unreasonable. The way I see it, by the time this baby comes around, I will have had a good 22 months with my brother. He sleeps most of the time anyway, and he tries to play with all my stuff when he is awake. If we trade him in, we will end up with a brand new baby brother AND sister! They will just be cute, and I can dress them up and pretend they are dolls. Plus, it will be at least another year before they try to mess with my stuff, at which point I will mandate that another child be born and the toddlers can be switched out. Mommy doesn’t like this idea. She kind of likes Jude, and said that having two babies at once would be too much work for her. Plus, she mentioned something up “closing up shop.” Whatever!

Nooooo, say it isn’t so!

My mommy said that this is the kind of candy I am going to get on Halloween. I really hope this isn’t true, because I don’t want to eat anything that tastes like poop or makes me throw up.

Mommy servant

You really should look into getting one of these. No, not the massager from Bath and Body Works that Mommy bought in 1999. What you need is a Mommy Servant who will give you a massage on command at bed time. But just make sure you get an attentive Mommy Servant with endurance, who doesn’t quit after 5 seconds because her “hand hurts.” Buck up lady, you can run a marathon but you can’t massage a kid for a minute? Weak!

Birchbox

Every month my mommy gets a pink box in the mail, and it has stuff that smells good, makeup, and lotions inside. Sometimes Mommy lets me try it out. The other day the pink box came and there was some Chapstick (seriously, you pay $10 a month for Chapstick Mommy?) and a bunch of other grownup stuff I could not use. For instance, there was something called “skin perfecting wrinkle correction serum.” I asked Mommy about this serum.

Me: Mommy, can I try the syrup?
Mommy: It’s called serum.
Me: Ok. Can I try the serum?
Mommy: No, it’s for mommies.
Me: So I can use it when I’m old, like you?
Mommy: Yes. Older. I’m not old.
Me: And when I have wrinkles, like you?

Bazinga!

Snow White

Tonight I was playing with Snow White in the bath tub. I guess I was having ill feelings toward her, because I made these requests of mommy…

Me: I don’t like Snow White’s shoes. Can you kill them?
Mommy: We don’t say that!
Me: Okay, well can you take her to the huntsman?
Mommy: How do you know who the huntsman is?
Me: Okay, well can you tell her to jump in the bath?
Mommy: Alright, jump in Snow White.
Me: Haha, she doesn’t know how to swim!

Oh dear, I guess I will be relegated to watching Nickolodeon and PBS again like a baby.

My birthday is tomorrow!

Well people, my birthday is coming up soon. I am turning 4, which is a REALLY big deal. This is because I will get to go to kindergarten when I am 5. Also, everyone who turns 4 gets to go to Disney World.

I am going to Disney World for the first time with my Mommy, Daddy, and my Mommy’s parents (you remember, my hal muh nee who looks like Kim Jong Il). My brother is not coming. Do you know why? Because Mickey Mouse has very strict rules. Here is a sampling:

1) no babies
2) no pooping dogs (but apparently dogs who don’t poop are allowed on the premises
3) you have to dress up like a princess, unless you are a daddy
4) don’t say bad words
5) you have to buy stuff when you are there

I will get to stay in a hotel and ride on an airplane for the first time. I am super excited because someone makes your bed for you every day. Also, you can go to sleep whenever you want on vacation, and you can drink $6 apple juice at the airport and at Disneyworld. I bet it tastes really good because it is so expensive.

I am literally counting down the days until tomorrow, which is when we go to Disneyworld. What’s that you say? We aren’t leaving for 95 days? So that’s this Saturday or Sunday? I have no concept of time.

Santa

Tonight, Mommy and I watched an old classic called National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I was expecting a Santa appearance, but Mommy told me that Santa was in the North Pole making a list of who has been good and bad.

I was wondering what things would put you on the good list (lots of presents) and what gets you stuck on the bad list. Here is what I came up with:

good

Eating your veggies
Not peeing your clothes
Going to bed when you are supposed to
Not taking your brother’s toys

bad

Punching
Kicking
Pinching
Pushing
Scratching
Slapping
Pulling off peoples’ eyebrows
Pulling peoples’ teeth
Poking peoples’ butts
Eating stickers
Licking your friends

After this conversation, Mommy wondered what kind of fight club is going on at daycare, such that “pulling off peoples’ eyebrows” would even pop up on my radar. All I know is this- I am going to have to cut stickers out of my diet because I want to get some awesome presents this year.